I’m moved in. I’m tired. Very tired. I should be sleeping. Right. Now. My brain thinks of all kinds of things it should be doing. I tell it to sleep. We have to work after all. The husband hasn’t been to work since the move. He’s “heartbroke” he says. He has almost 6 months of vacation he says. He always thought we’d travel he says.
Why does this make me angry? I imagine it’s the same reason all the other things trigger anger lately. The icemaker on my fridge was not hooked up for the entire almost 7 years we lived in our house. It’s hooked up now. The spiffy air conditioning system wasn’t hooked up for nearly three years. It is now. The hot tub? Almost 4 years without being hooked up. Now it’s working. WTF is that all about? I say I’m moving. I follow through. Now all the things I wanted done get done.
He thinks that will make me come back. Why doesn’t he understand what a slap in the face it all is? Now he’s in a counseling program for abusers. Why now? Why not before when I asked? Why the hell does he do all these things now? When it’s too late? I wish I could be a bit more objective. I wish I didn’t feel the anger I feel. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t want to cry anymore.
He sends me email often. It’s all apologetic and loving. It makes me nauseous. I need a therapist. I can’t afford one now that I don’t live there. I believe this stuff has triggered more stuff about the major abuser in my life. I don’t want to deal with it but here it is. WTF else eh? I’m overwhelmed and cranky and cry at the drop of a hat.
And life goes on…
Posted by Ethereal Highway on September 16, 2009 at 7:32 pm
My second ex-husband acted excatly the same way when I left. He wanted to turn the tables on me. He wanted me to feel bad – to be the bad person because I left, I broke his heart, I ruined his life, etc. He could have tried acting like a real husband while I was still with him, but no – it was entertaining for him to abuse me instead. You did what you had to do, Camo. That doesn’t make it easy for you, I know all too well, but you did what you had to do.