camoflutterby

no fear

camo — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:27:46 +0000

No. Fear.

My new motto.

I wake up every day excited to see what’s coming next.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have the same issues I had before adopting my new motto. I just view them differently now. Maybe not differently. Perhaps more clearly would be the accurate description.

What a difference a month makes.

From the beginning of this journey to find myself again, I’ve been excited. I’ve also been scared. Scared about leaving my husband. Scared of how to make it on my own again. Scared of what he might do. Scared of so much.

Fear is such a taker. It takes hope. It takes joy. It takes everything if you let it. I just got so tired of the taking. During a conversation with a very special person, the subject of fear came up. It was that chat that convinced me it was time to stop fear in it’s tracks.

I know! It’s a totally amazing concept isn’t it? Stop. Fear. In. It’s. Tracks. Sounds powerful doesn’t it?

It feels pretty powerful as well.

I made a choice. No. Fear.

And guess what’s happened? Adventure!

I will be traveling to a country somewhere across the pond in a month’s time to visit a very special friend. Do I know what will happen when I get there? Nope. Am I worried? Nope.

I’m with you. I wonder how it’s possible to go from being afraid of everything to feeling No Fear. Turns out it’s a choice. And I’m making it. I refuse to have the rest of my life ruled by fear. I am going to take the joy with the pain, the ups with the downs and revel in all of them. I want to FEEL something! I am not living in numbness anymore.

So, even when it feels overwhelming and uncertain, life is good.

NO FEAR.

what a difference…

camo — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:52:36 +0000

…a few days make. On Tuesday, October 6, I made a choice. I asked for help. Now, it seems, I must go to court. To pay for that request.

Husband emails alot. ALOT. I get flustered. Forget to lock safe. Disaster averted. Job saved. Ask for help. From husband’s boss and my direct supervisor to get email at work stopped.

Husband goes balistic. How the hell does one spell that word? Next day, after several more emails at home, papers served. On me. At work.

A motion. For a restraining order. Against me. The application uses my words. Against me. Like they were his words. Unreal.

Threatening text message. Cell phone cut off. Communication cut off. Verbal abuse in written form. No money for attorney. Qualify for free one probably. Sad. Overwhelmed. Disbelieving.

…sigh…

so

camo — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 06:43:53 +0000

I’m moved in. I’m tired. Very tired. I should be sleeping. Right. Now. My brain thinks of all kinds of things it should be doing. I tell it to sleep. We have to work after all. The husband hasn’t been to work since the move. He’s “heartbroke” he says. He has almost 6 months of vacation he says. He always thought we’d travel he says.

Why does this make me angry? I imagine it’s the same reason all the other things trigger anger lately. The icemaker on my fridge was not hooked up for the entire almost 7 years we lived in our house. It’s hooked up now. The spiffy air conditioning system wasn’t hooked up for nearly three years. It is now. The hot tub? Almost 4 years without being hooked up. Now it’s working. WTF is that all about? I say I’m moving. I follow through. Now all the things I wanted done get done.

He thinks that will make me come back. Why doesn’t he understand what a slap in the face it all is? Now he’s in a counseling program for abusers. Why now? Why not before when I asked? Why the hell does he do all these things now? When it’s too late? I wish I could be a bit more objective. I wish I didn’t feel the anger I feel. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t want to cry anymore.

He sends me email often. It’s all apologetic and loving. It makes me nauseous. I need a therapist. I can’t afford one now that I don’t live there. I believe this stuff has triggered more stuff about the major abuser in my life. I don’t want to deal with it but here it is. WTF else eh? I’m overwhelmed and cranky and cry at the drop of a hat.

And life goes on…

moving

camo — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:09:32 +0000

Well, it’s happened. I’ve found a new place to live. I’m excited, sad, nervous and scared all at the same time. How the hell did I get to the place where I must end my second marriage? *sigh*

I know it will be a positive move for my daughters and I. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about what my husband will do. He is getting more focused in his pleas for us to stay.

Heehee, I just checked the blog stats for this space. It seems I’ve had one visitor. I guess my camouflage is working eh? Just in case that one visitor from my friend, R.andom.and.Odd, is wondering who I am, I was known once upon a time in the blog world as b.*ttrrfl**. Gawd, I hope that is camouflaged enough.

I’m going to try and come here more often. With all that has gone on in the last year or so of my marriage, my joy has disappeared. My desire to write has been smothered. I hope to unsmother it soon.

Time will tell.

new space

camo — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:35:02 +0000

Hello world. I’m trying to find my way free of stalkers and unwanted attention. I need a place to write and am experimenting with this space for now. My name and the names of significant others in my life will be changed to protect us all. Stay tuned…camo

Protected: gah!

camo — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 06:58:10 +0000